Thurs, 1 Jan 04

Ah, 2003 was a busy, whirlwind year of many changes.

After a couple of "test visits" with HT, we agreed that we're a couple, and when I signed the divorce papers in NH in September, I moved to Houston, Texas to be with him.

It was not the simplest decision I've made, but it was one of the most worthwhile.

Oh, the divorce was not easy. Two of my three children seemed opposed to my decision, and there was nothing that I could do to keep them from feeling abandoned as I moved to where my happiness was... and is. (My youngest child is 19 years old and in college; I don't want this to sound as if I moved away from small, dependent children.)

Financially, the divorce was even more harsh than I'd anticipated. Right now, my credit is in tatters and I'm temporarily in nickel-and-dime mode.

NH divorce laws are not kind to women who leave their husbands.

But, it was worth it. I am happier now than I have been in so many years. And, I'm slowly re-emerging as myself, with his loving support as I recover some of my artistic integrity... and confidence.

I'm currently shifting gears. For the past several years, from around 2000 when I decided to resume my career, I've worked hard not to offend people with my art and its contexts. I very much needed approval from others, when I was receiving so much apparent disapproval at home. And, I am enormously grateful for the friends whose encouragement helped me through very difficult times.

"Meaning, not beauty, is what we are after." - Peter London

Now... I'm at a crossroads, and I'm not sure that I have any choice about which path to choose. It's time for me to create richer, more authentic art, although I know that some of this will include darker elements. Those who've read my scanned diaries won't be surprised. But, people who've seen only the lighter art--the stuff that I've been putting forward the most--may be dismayed. I'm not sure.

"If it adapts itself to what the majority of our society wants, art will be meaningless recreation." - Albert Camus

Since visiting New Orleans, I've been seeing how cohesive my life can be, integrating all of my interests... including the ghost stuff, the "Voodoo" art, and so on. Last week when we toured the actual ballroom set of Disney's Haunted Mansion movie, it confirmed the direction that I want for some of my art.

Oh, I'll still be doing the glittery, faerie art. I love that.

But, for the light, fluffy art to have depth, the dark also has to be there or the whole thing is two-dimensional in character as well as appearance. So, some of my art will reflect the challenges I've survived.

And, some of it will be downright Goth-and-ghosts, because I take delight in the wry humor of that genre.

"Creativity is really the structuring of magic." - Ann Kent Rush

I've also talked about how some of my art looks like others' art. It's not because either of us copied the other. The fact is, under the rather mundane name of Eileen MacIntosh, I'm the author of several fabric art books that were popular in the late 70s through the early 90s. And, my fabric collages and funky cloth dolls were featured in many magazines, including a monthly page of my art in each issue of Lady's Circle magazine in the early 80s, and--in the early 90s--regular mention in elinor peace bailey's APWPWD zine/paper.

I'm going to be including more fabric art in my work now.

Likewise, I began my commercial art career doing pen & ink illustrations that are reminscent of Edward Gorey. It wasn't until I was selling my art (at age 14) that someone pointed out the startling similarities with his work; until then, I'd never seen his art.

But... it's funny; while I have zero problem when someone obviously copies my art, I don't want anyone thinking that I'm "copying."

This has been a theme that you've seen me wrestle with repeatedly in recent months, as I've resisted the clear directions that my art wants to take.

Right now, I'm finishing up some projects from 2003. One of them is putting my Stock Photos on CD, to sell at Cafe Press instead of as downloads, here. Everyone who's ordered the Stock Photos so far, will receive a free CD. As soon as the formal CD is available at Cafe Press, I'll be phasing out the online version.

I'm also going to be auctioning several larger art samples, such as the Voodoo Vampshade. I'll post on my website when those items go into eBay, where my username is aislingdart.

Then, I'll be working on fabric collages and the simple dolls that I was making in the early 80s and teaching in the early 90s, and I'll be posting them for you to see--and perhaps to buy--at this website.

Ultimately, I see this website evolving into four areas: My "light" art, my "dark" art, how-to sections about art & art-as-a-career, and the shop area where you can purchase my art directly for a set price.

I'm going to continue to teach, too. My "dark" classes seem to fill the fastest, reaching what is perhaps a specialized audience that is drawn to Edward Gorey-type themes. So, I'm looking for teaching venues (or simply meeting rooms where I can teach) in New Orleans and also in Orlando. And, I'm still planning a "Mystical Britain" tour next autumn, to Glastonbury, Stonehenge, and other sites with Arthurian & faerie history, and standing stones.

And, I'll be focusing on some neglected ongoing projects, including my lists, my zines, my "creative somethings" projects, and so on. I'm trying not to launch anything new until I have those back on track.

2003 was a year of concluding a past that did not support my visions as an artist. That marriage was important when I was fully immersed in being a mom, but as that role phased out... what was left seemed glaringly uncomfortable for me.

"The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations."
- Julia Cameron

But 2004 will also allow me to venture into different areas with my art--some of them old, some of them new.

I'll also have to focus on the business side of my art. I'll try not to be blatantly commercial about it, but it's a tricky balance. This is a true test of, do what you love, the money will follow.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

Oh, I've had great--but sporadic--income from my art these past three years. In this new setting, I need to find what will provide me with a steady bread-and-butter income, so I'm not distracted by my bank balance when I'm designing art and planning ways to share what I've learned with other artists in classes, tours, and events.

And, that loops back to my yearning for more authentic art.

"One mustn't strive for cuteness anymore--one must strive for magnificence." - Anjelica Huston, quoting a friend

The full context of my life is going to start showing up in my art. I've avoided that, when it reflected on the ways that make me different from many other people. And while, in the art community, I'm not especially "weird," I've been aware that many of my customers, fans, and students savor the ways that we're alike, and... voicing my differences is scary for me right now. This is new territory, in a way.

No... I should say that it's revisited territory, because--before this marriage--I had my greatest artistic successes when I went out on a limb and was vocal about what makes me different. I wasn't so much looking for a niche, as living bold until this marriage. Living bold and loud... in an abusive marriage, that's risky. What keeps you safe is remaining low-profile, quiet, and docile.

I found ways to express myself artistically, within that context. Not consistently. Not always happily, but... I did it, and--until I left him--I paid the price for my spurts of success since 2000.

Now, I'm with a man who supports my individuality and my art. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, brightest, and funniest man I've ever known. His confidence in me is so different from how it was in my marriage. I am a very lucky woman!

But, 2004 is the year when I intend to face my fears and step outside my timid borders.

Some people will be disappointed. I'm trying to brace myself for direct and implied criticism. I've already seen it as my "odd" ideas peeked out at times, and some people have shunned me at arts events while others took my classes specifically because of my eccentricities.

And, at one point early in 2003, I was put on a "blacklist" by some who misunderstood my politics as well. I was flabbergasted by the vehemence in emails, where people expressed dismay that they could no longer purchase my art, because I'm on that list. (I was even more stunned to discover that anyone would actually create such a list.)

In an arena where I expected people to be open-minded, inclusive and tolerant, I discovered--to my dismay--that the mindset that created McCarthyism is still alive and well in the more polarized aspects of our society. And, defending myself in the arts community, while struggling to leave a devastatingly abusive marriage... it was almost more than I could handle. I was horrified by some of the pettiness that I found, particularly online. I have never subscribed to a reality that relies on making less of other people, to enhance one's own reputation and security. Dealing with that... I'm out of my league, frankly. The concepts are simply too foreign to me, to grok that kind of politics.

This is why some of my more recent journals do not appear online. I retreated into my private world again, as I went through the difficult process of divorce, and moved nearly 2000 miles from where I grew up.

Now, it's time for me first to focus on completing projects.

And then I intend to risk censure and start creating more authentic art that takes chances but also reveals more of who I am, inside. My scanned journals already do that, but now... it's time to put it into the art that goes on public display as well.

"To all viewers but yourself, what matters is the product: the finished artwork. To you, and you alone, what matters is the process: the experience of shaping that artwork. The viewers' concerns are not your concerns (although it's dangerously easy to adopt their attitudes.) Their job is whatever it is: to be moved by art, to be entertained by it, to make a killing off it, whatever. Your job is to learn to work on your art." - David Bayles & Ted Orland, in Art & Fear.

This diary entry will appear only briefly online. Frankly, I'm providing it only as the backstory for those who are closest to me, and visit my website regularly.

If you've wondered about my silences and what's going on behind the scenes... these are the issues and challenges that have made me pause regularly through 2003. And, for 2004 I've decided to create more authentic art, once again living bold and loud, on the only path that offers me growth and unlimited expression.

Thanks for being my friend.

Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,

What I'm reading right now: nothing, really... I'm busy working
What I'm listening to right now: Cookie Monster vocals and gritty metal music, courtesy of HT
What I'm watching right now: Doris Day and Rock Hudson movies

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