30 Jan 04
Ahhhh... that's the sound of me, sighing with relief. I have one more package to mail (easy, and it'll go "slow boat" anyway... her other packages were sent Priority) to my younger daughter, and then I'm caught up.
Okay... I missed some great opportunities. Didn't do many things that I'd intended to. Probably forgot even more! *rueful chuckle* I also ran myself into the ground regularly during the past six months. But, I had to do this.
In part, I think that I had to be manic about working, just to get past the looming depression of moving so far away from so many people who are close to me, and landscapes that I grew up with and love. (Don't get me wrong... I love where I live now. But, for example, I can't hop in the car and drive to coastal Maine for a few hours of sitting on the rocks, watching the waves crash against them.)
The "things I walked away from" list could go on & on. That's a snowball that picked up speed, rolling down the hill, when I realized that, uh, somehow my beloved box of Halloween/Samhain decorations didn't make it onto the moving van. Don't ask. I'll only rant in unhealthy ways. *sigh*
I also left NH with this deep-seated fear that I couldn't support myself. Not really. I had visions of having to work at McD's or something, and still barely getting by. (Not that there's anything wrong with working at McD's... some people utterly love it.)
And, while there were tense financial times over the years, I didn't actually have a much lower standard of living until I married Duncan. Then... okay, that's another story that's best skipped past.
The point is, my lifestyle significantly deteriorated with Duncan and I was terrified that it'd get even worse when I left him. That fear--that he regularly reinforced--was among the reasons why I stayed with him as long as I did.
Ultimately, I decided that it was worth the risk. I just couldn't live with him any more.
And, I couldn't continue to live without HT. Once my kids had all moved out, I no longer had a reason to remain in a marriage that left me angry and frustrated every day. But, there were still the financial issues. And, they scared me, big time.
So, I felt that I had to do, oh, everything that might possibly provide income, after I left NH. Everything self-employed, that is. With my current schedule, and the limitations & constraints of working for others, working outside the home hasn't been an option. Not really.
Some things turned out well. A lot never got done, too. I'd overloaded my schedule, set impossible goals, nearly exhausted myself with work... if not with the deficient calorie level that I was too busy to count, and so on.
After Christmas, I made a to-do list. Things that I still wanted to do. I scheduled myself for 9 - 10 hour days, in addition to the 2 - 3 hours that I'm on the road each day.
But, when HT did not get his occupational license a couple of weeks ago, reality hit me like a tidal wave. So did exhaustion. And depression. And... oh, a whole lot of what's been sitting in the corner, waiting its turn for the past six months.
I made a new to-do list. This one included only the things that I absolutely, positively had to finish to be able to sleep at night.
And, when today's package gets mailed, I've done that.
Now, I'm changing how I do things, in a big way. My daily to-do lists will be realistic, and allow for personal time (things such as sleep, food, exercise, and even laundry *grin*).
...
For most of the past year, I've used one of Louise Hay's daily affirmation decks. A couple of weeks ago, the affirmation that I drew was, "I prosper wherever I turn."
I like that. And, as it should, that mantra has settled in a bit as I've said it daily. That card is still on top of my night table; I decided that it was important. Not in a money-money-money kind of way, but... that I'm okay. That, in a supportive environment (for example, with HT), I do seem to prosper, no matter what I do.
And, with a journaling books deal in the works, the one thing that I've kept doing for the past nearly ten years--journaling--may be what I'm supposed to do. Heaven knows, my journaling workshops are the ones that fill first when I teach at events.
But, I'm not putting all of my eggs in that basket.
Starting now, I'm going to focus on doing just a few things, well. I'm resuming my daily art journaling, with collages, etc. I'm working on the books that I've been wanting to write, for years. I'm putting my attention back on my websites & lists. And, I'm following what sparkles for me... which has included letterboxing, zines, faerie lore & magick, travel, and so on. Will I return to those pastimes? I don't know. The faerie stuff, definitely. Travel, probably.
There are things that I owe people from years past... including zines and some smaller art pieces. I want to complete those promises. But, realistically, they're so late now, there's little point in manically trying to complete them in the next week or two. *chuckle and sigh* Nevertheless, those are promises that I intend to keep, so I will be working on them... at a reasonable pace.
What I'm looking at is what is working: Journaling. It's what I've done since I was a kid. It's what seems to be my strong suit now.
Oh, sure, I'll keep puttering along with the ghost stuff, etc. I do that anyway. It's somewhere between a professional pursuit and a very fun hobby.
But, it's time for me to relax. Let the Universe shine a light--earthlight, perhaps--on the path. ("Earthlight" is a faerie reference, btw. I was reminded of that yesterday when I had to scramble to get that ATC finished, and I naturally gravitated towards vintage and faerie images.)
...
When I was reading John Edward's book, Crossing Over, I noticed that he achieved his greatest success when he decided not to focus on the money, and when--for his show--his mantra became, "Honor the process."
Last night, reading Chris Penczak's book, I also noted what changed for him. When he lost his regular job, as many did when the economy shifted, he had difficulty finding another one. And, to paraphrase what he said... He couldn't even get a job as a telemarketer, but when he hung out a shingle to teach Witchcraft, the phone rang off the hook with work. And so, he became a full-time Witch, and the book that I'm reading right now is his third.
I've been to one of his circles (with my younger daughter) and seen how he does things. He's good, providing a little of everything... everyone seems to walk away, happy with what he does. But, I won't pretend that it was the Meaning of Life or anything. It was just... easy. Relaxed. A little of everything, that's all.. and honestly, that is enough.
My point is... I've been doing the manic thing for months. Trying to force the income, as I used to "force" flowers to bloom, indoors, in anticipation of spring and then summer. (When I was growing up, my mother always forced forsythia as soon as it started budding and could be picked.)
And, it's sort of worked. Most weeks, I have a fairly reliable income that helps cover groceries, etc. But it hasn't been proportionate to the amount of work--and especially stress--that's been involved.
Now, what's opening up is the one thing that I seem to do, no matter what... journaling.
Oh, there are other great opportunities that keep opening up for me. I don't intend to let them all go.
But, looking back over the past six months... I can't honestly say that, the harder I've worked, the more opportunities opened up. If anything, I've struggled more than I used to in NH, where publicity opptys opened up for me steadily, and one thing always seemed to lead to another. I just didn't pursue income possibilities there... for a variety of reasons that I've talked about before.
So anyway...
We're on the threshold of the start of the new year, or at least an anticipation of the new year... Imbolc. That's celebrated around February 2nd, and it's the traditional time to recognize that the new agricultural year will start soon. Now is when people look over the seed catalogues, literally and metaphorically.
Is it coincidental that I'm winding down the busy-busy work, now? Probably not. And, I believe that the more in tune I am with the earth and the cycles of Nature, the stronger I become. Just as, the more I live my life "out loud" in my journaling & in my art, the healthier I am.
It's time to let go of the manic stuff. Quit trying to do it all. And, resume the focus on my journaling, my art, and the things that make me happy, whether they are about making money or not.
I prosper wherever I turn.
Yes.
Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,
What I'm reading right now: Inner Temple Witchcraft, by Chris Penczak
What I'm listening to right now: Music of Richard III
What I'm watching right now: The Avengers
Read who these people are,
and why Aisling writes this.
return to the main page for art and creative ideas
---
did you eat today? help people who didn't
But... what I especially support is Walt Disney's vision. The way it used to be...
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