22 Mar 04
Hello!It's been a transformational weekend. Part of it was seeing the PBS special about glass artist Dale Chihuly.
This hit me hard on many levels. One was the clarity and power of his vision, and his commitment to it. I felt... inadequate, in a way, faced with that kind of certainty. I want to feel that my art always has merit, but the fact is: I don't.
The other was... okay, I'm still dealing with lingering voices from my past, mostly Duncan advising me that I'm approaching retirement age, meaning that the game was pretty much over for me. And I compare the quality and volume of my work with someone like Chihuly, and... it's depressing, to put it mildly.
What have I done with the talent that I've had from the start? What have I done with my life?
Oh, intellectually, I know that I'm still young & vital and have a fabulous future ahead, but some days I feel worn down, and I feel silly admitting to it, but... there it is.
This is combining with feelings akin to horror as I resume painting and wonder why I ever stopped. I look at what I'm doing and wonder why I'm doing it, and if--in realism or even Impressionism--there are any new horizons or new ground to break. If my work will always seem a tame version of what others have done, and they've done it better. This is another echo of the verbal abuse that I endured for nearly 20 years, but even before that marriage, Chuckie used to look at my art and shrug, saying, "I guess that it's just not my kind of thing." Which was just as devastating. Actually, it used to pretty much stop me, in terms of creativity.
I mean, like my work or don't, but it's supposed to have some impact on the viewer.
But all of this is about external cues. And I wonder how long it will take to recover my sense of who I am, y'know?
I'm also fretting about my appearance right now. I'd hoped to have new clothes made in time for Artfest, and I won't. I've run out of time, and all of my creative energy is still pouring into my art. So, it'll be jeans and comfortable shirts again this year.
But I look at my clothing, and in the mirror I'm still seeing Duncan's mother. I'm still wearing cheap and unflattering shirt-and-jeans combos, most days. I justify this because I'm a messy artist and I'll get paint & glue & glitter on whatever I'm wearing. But, that doesn't make it okay to dress like a slob, y'know?
I want to look in the mirror and see someone creative but also affluent and well-groomed. Sometimes I watch the film, "Ready to Wear," simply to see what the designers (women) are wearing in it.
What's interesting is a dream that I had last night. In it, I was cruising the stores at the mall, as Mari Lou and I used to when we'd meet for lunch, before I moved to Texas. In my dream, I was with someone who was sort of the "me" that I want to be.
She picked up a few items--mostly just accessories--and put them on and she looked fabulous. Elegant. Artsy.
I woke up wanting to wear big-brimmed hats. And experiment with accessories made from sheer, glittering fabrics. I'm not sure how much of this was from watching the Kevin Klein version of A Midsummer Night's Dream, but that was an influence.
But anyway, I woke up with a far clearer vision of what I want to do with clothing. And, I need to work on my wardrobe. Living in a climate where it is hot-hot-HOT at least half the year, well, my wardrobe is still geared to New England's cooler weather. I need to overhaul this when I return from Artfest.
Meanwhile, I'm still cranking out art.
One thing surprised me this morning: I wanted to post one of my paintings (from ~1995) in my blog but it wasn't online. In fact, when I re-HTML'd my painting gallery, I was horrified to see how few paintings I've ever photographed and put online.
This is all part of that s-l-o-w "wake up" that I'm still going through. And it's a Very Good Thing, as the (slightly-tarnished) St. Martha Stewart would say. It's about art and identity and self-esteem and all that good stuff.
But, it's not always easy.
Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,
What I'm reading right now: latest issue of Town & Country magazine
What I'm listening to right now: Julian Bream: Best of...
What I'm watching right now: old tapes of BBC America
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But... what I especially support is Walt Disney's vision. The way it used to be...
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