from my diary entry of 04
Hello!
[Later note: I phrased this carefully, still trying to protect Artfest's image. But the fact is, this was PR, and those who know me also saw where the truth was seeping out despite my best efforts to cast it in a better light.]
What a tremendous week at Artfest. The sun was shining every day and the food was fabulous.
My classes were great fun, of course. But I saw clear ways to improve both of them. Teaching always means tweaking and improving.
From this week, I am taking home several things.
One is the importance of upgrading everything that I do, including my travel wardrobe, my samples, my handouts, and... well, everything. I'm far more organized and grounded than a year ago, but there's still a long road ahead. This is part of emerging from 20 years of constant challenges and undermined self-confidence.
But, I no longer want to look back. The past is still an influence in my life, and it may be for quite awhile in ways that I'd like to escape, but... it's over. I choose not to tint my visions of a glorious future with tarnished images from the past. And, the future is filled with opportunities.
At Artfest, I also saw the wisdom of other teachers' advice about not sharing my personal life with students. It's not a matter of privacy--heaven knows, with my journals online, there's little of that--but that the audience is changing. We're now drawing from a variety of areas, including businesswomen who attend these retreats to relax, and scrapbook enthusiasts who want new challenges. Some had no idea who Teesha and Tracy are; they'd just heard that Artfest was a good experience.
They don't know our backstory and in many cases, they're there for the art, period. This is a dramatic change from when I started with this kind of art, and there was a hunger for more backstory, more personal details, and more of the differences that sometimes spur our individuality and produce unique art expressions.
There's a clear trend away from wanting to understand why we create the art that we do, replaced by a demand for how we do it. Period.
Oh, I'm happy to step away from the near-obsession by some fans who wanted to be a part of my life. But now my approach to teaching has to change, too. The chat while everyone's working will still be personal, but not quite so revealing. This may make teaching less tiring, if it's not so deeply-rooted in our personal experiences...? I don't know.
I'm reluctant to say that anything will be "by the numbers," but I can see the importance of integrating that option into my classes. Maybe.
Also, this audience is more mainstream and in many ways more conservative--with a big and a little "C." This requires a more traditional, professional demeanor in some settings, including the classroom. The challenge will be to integrate that without losing the spontanaeity that makes these classes so vital and alive.
I winced to overhear my shrines class patter misunderstood. I wasn't sure if I should say something or not, and I chose to let it go. I was not at my best in that class, for reasons that I'm reluctant to explain in detail, here.
I have to trust that who I am is clear from my art, journals, and webpages. But, it seemed a sharp rebuke, too. It was an important reminder of what other teachers said about the changing audience.
Nevertheless, I was gratified by the many women who approached me to share their personal stories, and how they'd connected with my scanned journals, especially the Decluttering Journal. This is why I do this. It's why I battle my shyness and intense need for privacy, to tell my story and encourage others to live creative and fulfilling lives.
Oh, I still find myself tongue-tied in these situations. But, I'm getting better at it. And, these shared stories mean the world to me.
I pause as I re-read that last line. It's why I'm wrestling with changes--making my classes less personal--and wondering if this is an unreasonable compromise in favor of commercial success in the (maybe) changing marketplace. I'm not sure. I'm still pondering this.
Despite some awkward moments and what I hope are just growing pains, Artfest retains an undercurrent of intense originality and creativity. There's a vitality and tremendous energy that happens when we gather, regardless of the setting. Yes, I had to reach deeper and look harder to find it this year, but maybe it was just me. Or, maybe when the new audience comes to terms with the extreme differences among artists, we'll all be able to focus on what we share? I hope so.
This was not my favorite Artfest for a variety of reasons, but I'm trying to focus on what was very good about it, and let the unfortunate moments fade from memory. I'm sure that next year, I'll be better prepared for Artfest.
Nothing stays the same, ever, and it's that tricky balance of commercial success and personal integrity; it hardly matters if you're a great artist if you're too tired to make art after a full day working at McD's, y'know? Everyone--including arts events organizers--has tough decisions to make. It's not my call to say what's an acceptable compromise for others. I can only make my own choices, and I'm not sure what they are... yet.
However, since this year's unfortunate moments also appear in my personal Artfest journal, I've decided not to scan and post this one. I feel a little odd about that, but... for now, discretion is the better path.
Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,
