past personal diary entries of an artist - from 21 jul 04

Hi,

Arrggghhh! I was so drained last night, I couldn't seem to pick up The Celestine Prophecy to re-read some of it. Yes, I know that it's not very well written, but some of the messages in it are very good. So, I snagged a copy of it for cheap at the local thrift shop yesterday, figuring that it's exactly what I need right now.

Instead, I climbed into bed and slept about 11 hours last night.

I woke up feeling about the same as my hair does after I color it, and before I put conditioner on it. In a word: Ick!

Then I heard my internal voice whining, "Why?" as I tried to understand why someone would say such cruel things about me, and--even when she realized that she'd misunderstood my earlier post--announce that she's not sorry for what she did/said. And, with well-meaning friends emailing me what she's saying in her journal (or AIM? Elsewhere? I'm not sure)... it's kept the anguish going. Until mid-morning today, my nerves remained raw and abraded by this.

It's time to let it go. Please, don't forward more of what she's saying about me. Thanks.

What helped the most was when I heard that "Why? Why...?" in my head this morning, and it sounded like Nancy Kerrigan. And, let me tell you, casting the person who's been bashing me as Tonya Harding... Well, that struck me hilariously (and probably unkindly) funny. But, it's humor that pulls us up from this kind of thing. So, there it is. And, I may create a webpage about this, because--looking back at past critics and people who've trashed the reputations of other friends--the Tonya Harding model fits remarkably well there, too.

(And, before anyone misunderstands: I have no problem with fair criticism. Tell me that my colors could blend better in some pieces, and I'll agree. Say that some of my collages have too much--or not enough--glitter, and I can accept that as your personal taste. Comment that I need to work on my three-point perspective, and I may even agree with that, too.)

But, the kind of criticism that I talked about yesterday--the stuff that leaves you unable to respond, except to feel deeply hurt--that's where the Tonya Harding imagery can fit like a glove. Even when it involves casting the critic as a cross-dresser. Or maybe especially then. *grin*

And, I was also processing that dinner with [now ex-husband]. He said some pretty amazing things that, on the surface, sounded like backhanded compliments. Maybe. But, in retrospect and if I don't try to reframe them with my usual "he didn't mean it like it sounded" filters, I'm finally accepting what the marriage counsellor (whom he'd selected) and my own psychologist said: No, he means it exactly as it sounds. Oh, he doesn't fit the Tonya Harding model, but as I finish processing this, it's giving me a lot of closure.

[now ex-husband] never understood me. Possibly never liked me much, either. I watched him misunderstand things that I did say, and respond with unsolicited "advice" that would be disastrous to follow. He never once asked if I'm happy. He never once asked about my successes; it was all about what he saw as shortcomings, and things that did not make sense to him. He seemed baffled by my jokes, and downright sarcastic when I talked about my future.

There will certainly be times when I can't avoid seeing him again, such as when the kids marry, and so on. But, I don't plan to see him again, socially.

So, it's been quite a week. Important, but exhausting both emotionally and physically.

Anyway...

I'm thinking of some larger, perhaps semi-abstract paintings today. And, some illustration-type paintings. I'm also packing my studio in earnest now. As I put together inventory for vendor night in Phoenix and work on my paintings, I'm narrowing the focus of my work, and it's enlightening. Really. I'm feeling such relief!

And that's how my day is starting.

I'm taking HT to work and picking him up today and tomorrow, which means that the rest of this week may not be especially productive. But, I feel that I've accomplished a lot personally, and that's important. It hasn't been an easy week, but it's been a good one.

Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,

What I'm reading right now, and recommend:

What I'm listening to right now: HT's music
What I'm watching right now: uh-oh, I'm still watching Big Brother episodes