past personal diary entries of an artist - from 22 july 04

Hi,

Funniest line read online in today's email:

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho cheese

Anyway...

I'm still feeling like I was hit by a series of sandbags from above, and trying not to equate this with the perils of standing on center stage sometimes. Or accepting it as such. Or something. I'm not sure what I'm doing with it, but I'm doing what I can to move forward.

After Monday night's dinner, I'm coming to the slow realization that [now ex-husband] probably never liked me. What he liked was owning me. When he realized that he doesn't own me any more--during dinner this week--his charm dropped altogether and the sarcasm was biting.

I said something about big changes in August that will open up a whole lot for me: HT starts driving again; I'm teaching in Phoenix; and, we're moving to a gorgeous new place with a gym, a bigger studio for me, and a room that I can use for teaching, in a nice suburb of Houston.

[now ex-husband]'s reply was a slightly snide, "Oh. Of course. Everything is going to change then, right?" He rolled his eyes, chuckled and sighed, and changed the subject as I sputtered at the sheer meanness of that.

And, in the past few days as I've revisited that dinner (probably more than I should), I've realized that he did this kind of thing all the time. Yes, he's changed, but so have I; in the past, I'd have said to myself, "He didn't mean it the way that it sounded." And while I tried that excuse this time, the "new me" doesn't believe that any more.

The shrinks were right: He means exactly what he says, and exactly how it sounds.

This is a harsh reality. I'm still feeling like an ogre for raising the kids with that. What a perfectly awful context for their growing-up years. At least when couples fight (we generally didn't), kids get the cue that this is not a happy marriage. My kids were sent simply appalling signals, instead.

I'm trying to work with that Tammy Faye Bakker line, that you can't move forward looking in the rear-view mirror of life. But, I also think that it's important to process the past, to learn from it and fully let it go.

Balancing those two factors isn't always easy. I'm grateful for HT's patient support while I get through this.

Studio news...

I've started a 16" x 20" semi-abstract, based on my favorite sunrise painting. The proportions aren't right; I may do some abstract color studies to work this out.

I'm throwing out massive numbers of half-torn magazines from collage work. It's time to get serious about packing to move. And, I'll admit that packing up the books and getting lots of stuff out from underfoot is a bigger relief than I expected.

I'm not sure that I'll get out from under this depression enough to complete anything today. I hope to.

Golly, it's been a challenging couple of weeks. That said, I'm someone who prefers to rip the bandaid off altogether, rather than inch it off a little at a time. And, these two weeks have been about two-faced friends and critics (they're generally the same people) whose opinions I trusted and whose favor I sought.

Yes, I am looking in the mirror when I pass it and saying, "What were you thinking...?" *rueful chuckle*

And then I go back to my easel and look at my current work, and see what else I can do with it. Gotta keep moving forward.

Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,

What I'm reading right now, and recommend:

What I'm listening to right now: silence
What I'm watching right now: snips of reality shows as I channel-surf before bed