20 May 02
click here for a visual link to all of the daily collages I'm one of those people who, like many artists, has to push a style, a technique, or almost any pursuit well past where it's comfortable or perhaps even logical, just to see what happens. It's how we discover new ways of doing image transfers, or art/journaling, or whatever.
Anyway, I'll skip the in-between phases and just say, the diary is back.
Here's this morning's collage duo:
click to see largerYes, it's a two-part day. Here's the context...
I'll admit it: For most of the 18 years I've been in a verbally abusive marriage (which means that no, he doesn't hit, but he does everything from criticize me to ignore my accomplishments; he turns the TV or computer on when I need to talk with him about something, and he interrupts my work when I need to be "in flow," to... oh, you don't need to hear it all).
After the first I-don't-know-how-many years, I became reclusive. I was convinced that I was too weird, too mercurial, too unattractive to have friends or even appear in public often. Like, I'd drive places (by myself or with my children and that's all) and do alone things, but... that was all.
Also, following his cues, I did become a bit weird. Under intense stress here, I did become mercurial and it took a toll on my health. And that same stress sometimes shows up on my face, and in my behavior, so I can be unattractive.
However, in the past couple of years--particularly the past 10 months--I've made a point of getting out. After the reclusive years, that's been difficult for many reasons, but two leap out steadily: I'm not sure what I need for a social circle, and--sometimes more agonizingly difficult for me--I'm not sure how to interact with people, who to trust, who not to, and I'm hypersensitive to anything that could reinforce the "unattractive" and "too weird" messages of the past 18+ years.
The fits & starts have been awkward. I'm still making things harder than they need to be. But though I'm more comfortable than I was, and I'm learning quickly, I still have episodes of alternately erecting too-high barriers, and then dropping boundaries inappropriately. It's a trial-and-error process, not easy when I'm so fearful of rejection by others.
But I did live gregariously for about 10 years, before this marriage, so it's kind of like riding a bicycle, and it is coming back to me, slowly.
So, I've just weathered (not always gracefully) a series of social challenges, and that shows in my diary entries and my collages. And it will continue to.
What it means to me
The "Fight that Powerless Feeling" line leaped out from a catalogue of camping supplies. And it's a good description of my most awkward learning moments.I act like a doormat. I don't speak up when I should. And, without cues to know what's bothering me, people keep doing what they've been doing. After awhile, I snap. I rant. I am very unhappy. And, as I'm finding my voice again after these years of feeling silenced by the abuse, I tend to shout at the top of my lungs, metaphorically speaking.
But, after I've vented for awhile--usually a few hours to a few days, but never more than about a week--I pause. I realize that I'm angry because I feel powerless, not so much because so-and-so is doing such-and-such.
And then I realize that I feel powerless because I don't take steps to change things. It's not that I don't have power, but that I don't use it.
Part of that is because, in this marriage, I've learned that it's better to just let things go, than to speak up. When I do say something to my husband, he'll usually be okay with it for a day or so. Then, he "gets even" with me in bigger, more hurtful ways.
So, in a way, I've subdued the impulse to say, "Wait a minute," unless the situation is simply intolerable. And that's been a problem as I've been trying to form friendships.
I'm learning to speak up when something is a little irritating or difficult for me, instead of waiting for it to be at the rant-and-rage intolerable level.
So, I spent much of this past weekend at the home of some friends. The space and support there allowed me to pause, take a look at what's been going on lately, and realize that, okay, it's not all my fault that my life isn't how I want it. However, I also haven't been acting responsibly in as many areas as I could.
(And, for the record, I stay with [now ex-husband] right now for two reasons: Our youngest is nearly ready to leave the nest, and I firmly believe that he needs two supportive parents here until he does. The other reason is strictly financial. On one hand, I did give up my lucrative career for over 15 years, because that's what [now ex-husband] needed. So, yes, I feel that I deserve to be compensated with alimony, or the ability to ask for it, if I ever need it. But mostly, I'm working to get financially independent/stable enough to walk away from this marriage without alimony and without a significant drop in standard of living.)
Anyway...
This past weekend enabled me to realize that I was doing my temper tantrum thing again, which simply makes things worse.
From around midnight Saturday, when I started scribbling/journaling like crazy, until a bleary-eyed 10:30 p.m. last night, I was busy finding ways to fix my current, short-term predicament. That is, how to restructure my social life so I'm not offending/hurting/neglecting the friends who are closest to me, and restore some boundaries that left me--and those close to me--open for unfair criticism.
And, I found a few things that I can do, immediately. One is, putting the diary back online here, where I can share my art and what's behind it with my friends and those who are interested in my art and art/journaling in general.
But in this process, I also realized that I can't fully put the toothpaste back into the tube, in terms of blunders I've made. I can apologize (and I do if my insensitivies and short-sightedness left you vulnerable and/or hurt). But, if I spend all of my time polishing my rear-view mirror, I'll keep careening into blockades.
So, that's what the right side of this two-page art/journal entry is about: Looking forward. Fixing what's broken and vital for the future, and trusting that people will understand that I never willingly hurt my friends. And I feel perfectly awful when I realize that I have.
Hey, I don't even like to say things that hurt [now ex-husband], because I know that he's just acting-out abuse that he was raised with. And frankly, compared with what he considers "normal" due to his upbringing, he's doing a tremendous job of keeping the abuse to a relative minimum.
That doesn't make it okay, but it's important for me to articulate, in case anyone gets the wrong idea here.
But, because he's already doing as much as he can (without professional help) to behave consciously, I know that I cannot expect things to improve from where they are now. And that's one reason why I will leave him, within two years.
That's the past. That's a long story, too, and one that we don't need to discuss.
The point is, this weekend I realized some major things, and I'm adjusting my life accordingly, for the better. And looking ahead with tremendous optimism!
So now you know the context of today's collage/s.
Art technique notes:
Materials are colored tissue paper, magazine images & text (W magazine, British Heritage, and a camping supplies catalogue), copper leaf, glitter embossing powders, and one glass rhinestone. My only adhesive for this collage is Golden soft gel medium; I even use it to hold the copper leafing.The pink on the left page is tissue paper, glued on with gel medium, and then part of it was ripped off while the medium was still wet. This left the pink dye on the paper.
Housekeeping notes:
I'll post diary entries with my daily collages regularly. Most of them will not be as long or profoundly personal/expository as this one is.I'll post archives of my daily collages (and diary entries), on month-by-month pages. And, when you click to see the latest collages (the link at the top of this page), you'll see only the current two week time period, not a bazillion, slow-loading images.
I'll construct those pages as this week progresses. My schedule is already full! *grin*
Also, I've kept an online diary since 1995, and I'll be adding some archived posts as well, so you can get an idea of where I've been and what's been happening in my life as I've sorted things out.
So, that's the news!
