15 July 03
Tomorrow, I leave.
Everything is in boxes in storage, or in sealed boxes by the front door, waiting for the movers on Friday.
Today, I'm getting everything online for our Orlando event... as much as I have, anyway. Until I know the exact schedule of one teacher and the workshop themes of a couple of others, we can open hotel/event registrations, but not actually register people for individual workshops.
But I should have all of that within the next week or so.
In the meantime, people know that the order that they register for the event at Orion Worldwide Travel, is the same order as they will be registering for workshops. Orion assigns each guest a student number, so that I can handle the workshop registrations fairly and in order.
Putting together the workshop descriptions, from Sabrina Ward Harrison to Sharilyn Miller, to Nina Bagley to Lori Kay Ludwig, and nearly a dozen other fabulous teachers, I am so very pleased. We're going to have a fabulously creative week, and a truly luxurious arts vacation next January.
Personally...? I'm slightly aghast that I'm actually doing this: Leaving a 20-year marriage for my dreams. Choosing to take risks and live fully, not in the safety of mundane routine (and its illusions of security) but really and truly live. Make my art, pursue my fantasies, and take every moment of life and make it rich and vivid.
This has its scary moments. And, the unreality of it... Well, I left a lot of work to the last minute, and I am not certain that I'll really be ready to leave in the morning.
Then again, I have no choice. Oh, I can delay it one day if I need to, if something simply must be done before I leave.
But... this is being the Fool in the Tarot deck, perhaps. This is like in the fairy tales, where the young woman (or man) sets out on the road to seek his or her fortune.
And that's what I'm doing.
The weekend was not stress-free. IBS--mostly-dormant for the last few years--claimed a good part of Sunday. I don't know why I expected not to react physically to the stress, but I did, took my medications, and I'm mostly recovered now, as I write this.
I leave NH with heartbreak in one way. Leaving my son (and my daughter, although she no longer lives at home) is so very difficult. I'm so proud of all three of my children, but when my son--my youngest child--graduated from high school, my responsibilities here were nearly concluded. I will return at the end of August to see him get settled in his college dorm, and then... that's all until I visit New England again (which I expect to do, often) or my children visit me.
Will I see [now ex-husband] again after this? I don't expect to, except when social events make that natural. When I gave him the ultimatum late in 1995 and again on my oldest daughter's 21st birthday, I said that I expected to walk away and not look back, and... that's true. I leave here with no "what if" questions in my mind. I tried the best that I could; he and I were never a good romantic match.
So now, I finish putting things into boxes. I run errands related to the trip. Tomorrow night, I will be in North Carolina. On Thursday evening, weather (and my energy) permitting, I will be sitting at DisneyWorld's EPCOT Center, eating sweet & sour chicken at the China pavillion in the World Showcase.
In some ways, I feel sad right now. In other ways, both anxious and excited. But mostly, I don't think that it's occurred to me that I'm actually doing this... leaving. Stepping away from 20 years of marriage to a man who tried hard, but we never really clicked. There were steady disappointments on both sides.
I have had the most wonderful time, raising my children. That has been fabulous. Oh, I wish that we'd done more things... gone on more adventures & road trips, for example. But, there will always be those kinds of regrets, in any life, no matter how perfect.
I have done the best that I could.
After the 1987 car accident, when memory loss made me re-examine my life and take it slowly over the coals to see what was working and what wasn't... Well, I lost a lot of time there. It was a very "examined life," as the philosophers say. It was also neurotic in some ways, and that was not healthy, but... In a way, I think it was necessary. From there to where I am now has been a very slow process, but today I am confident that I am an artist. Life opens up for me in good ways.
In retrospect, I wish I'd left [now ex-husband] in 1995, when I gave him the ultimatum. He never seemed to take my warnings seriously, not until it was too late. But, to save this marrige, he'd have had to become someone he isn't, and I would never want anyone to do that.
But mostly, I'm glad that I stayed this long. It wasn't healthy for me. It wasn't great for my daughters, either. The good news is, as the older two, they left home as early as they could, and are building their own lives based on their respective and deeply personal dreams. I am so proud of them!
I stayed here for my son. My beautiful, wonderful son, who makes me glow with pride and delight every day, as I see him discover his own dreams & talents. Oh, if you could see his art & his photography! (Well, yes you can. He's at rusted.org.)
He's leaving for college in a little over a month. Starting his own adventures. Creating a life to match his visions and potentials. And, he is amazing.
I know that this inevitable move is hard on my kids. Oh, I'll be much closer to my oldest, so for her, this is very good news.
But, it's still difficult to see a family become fragmented. Even when, intellectually, I know that--as my youngest leaves for college--this is simply the next logical phase.
I have no real regrets. Oh, I wish that my choices had been easier, but given the circumstances and the various elements that I've been working with, I can't say that I'd have done it any differently, even with what I know now.
My son needed two loving parents at home with him. And, I could give him that, at least until he was ready to leave the nest and begin his own life.
So, yes, I'm feeling a little sad, a little nervous, but mostly as if I'm facing something so huge that I know that I'm not really understanding all of it. It's almost too big to grok, to use a SciFi term.
Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm eager to see what comes next. It can only get better. Life has been very, very good so far, but I know that much better adventures are on the immediate horizon.
I'll be back online when I get to Houston. Until then, thanks SO much to everyone who has supported me, encouraged me and my art, and provided advice when I most needed it.
Reach for your dreams. Make them happen.
Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,
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