06 Sep 03
The trip to NH included more chances for closure than I expected.
Oh, the family stuff was challenging. Realizing that this is it, with us going out to the movies as a family for the last time... dinners together... packing up the odds & ends that I'd left behind... It was almost overwhelming at times.
Seeing my son walk away, moving into his dorm as a college freshman... that was another difficult moment. It actually helped to have my younger daughter there, and see her drive off with her boyfriend. I was reminded that when they go to college, it's a change, not an ending.
I felt a little sorry for [now ex-husband], as he seemed awkward with the divorce paperwork, both reluctant and eager to get it over with. And then when he was getting ready to take me to the motel that last night, on his way to a date, it was almost wry humor. He fretted over his wardrobe, asking us for help selecting a tie to go with his shirt. It was almost sad.
In the course of the week, I also concluded a long-term friendship that I'd hoped to salvage/transform. The one night that I had available for recreation outside the house, I agreed to meet a friend who'd offended me badly about six months ago. We were going to dinner at a favorite coastal seafood restaurant, and then ghosthunting at a cemetery that I'd been intensely eager to visit again.
But, instead of driving to the restaurant, he insisted on stopping for coffee about half a block from where I live. And that's as far as we got. On one hand, I felt very sorry for him as he told me his tales of woe. On the other, I had to look at it: He had a chance to have fun and go on an adventure with me, and instead he chose to squander the evening on self-pity. It was even footnoted, as he thrust a stack of papers at me; they were printouts of IM conversations, LiveJournal posts, and LiveJournal comments.
In the process, he also hauled out an insulting and erroneous stereotype about the Irish, insisting that it was true, and repeating the behavior that had offended me early in 2003.
So, that was another sad moment of closure. There wasn't much that I could say to him as I picked up my backpack--still laden with ghosthunting tools--and walked home alone.
Nevertheless, in the course of the evening I saw another friend, met his new girlfriend, and renewed that friendship. So, although things didn't go as planned, there were some happy serendipities. And, I was reminded that no matter how firm my intentions, I can't choose the script that others follow. They have to make their own decisions.
This diary entry parallels my offline journal from the past two weeks: I'm writing remarkably little about the divorce. It's as if the whole thing was over & done, years ago. There were sad reminders in NH, but the only moment approaching tears was when we took our son to college.At Christmas, my son and I will visit his sister in Orlando. So, life goes on, happier and with a better context than the past several years at least.
Returning home to Houston, I've had some episodes of grieving. This is natural, although it can happen at the weirdest moments. Two days ago, I totally lost it over a bumpersticker. The parent was proud of his/her Eagle Scout; my son is also an Eagle Scout. I sat in the car and cried.
But, I have the most loving and supportive partner here in Houston, and that means so much to me. He is truly wonderful.
I'm still mostly offline right now. I'm putting a bunch of my partner's belongings into storage, to set up our spare bedroom as my studio/office. Until I've moved into there, I'm not online very much, and I'm not really making art. It'll be about a week, I think.
But, this is a time for healing and moving forward anyway. And I'm doing this in the best possible setting.
Wishing you rich and creative days filled with dazzling inspiration,
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